Foul Language Translations

DATE: March 14, 2000
 
  It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
  throughout the company have been using foul language during the
  course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints
  received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of
  language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical
  importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when
  communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases
  has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
  continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more
  sensitive employees.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  Perhaps I can work late.
  INSTEAD OF:
  And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
 
  TRY SAYING:
  I'm certain that isn't feasible.
  INSTEAD OF:
  No fucking way.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  Really?
  INSTEAD OF:
  You've got to be shitting me!
 
  TRY SAYING:
  Perhaps you should check with...
  INSTEAD OF:
  Tell someone who gives a shit.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  Of course I'm concerned.
  INSTEAD OF:
  Ask me if I give a shit.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  I wasn't involved in the project.
  INSTEAD OF:
  It's not my fucking problem.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  That's interesting.
  INSTEAD OF:
  What the fuck?
 
  TRY SAYING:
  I'm not sure this can be implemented.
  INSTEAD OF:
  This shit won't work.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  I'll try to schedule that.
  INSTEAD OF:
  Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
 
  TRY SAYING:
  Are you sure this is a problem?
  INSTEAD OF:
  Who the hell cares?
 
  TRY SAYING:
  He's not familiar with the issues.
  INSTEAD OF:
  He's got his head up his ass.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  Excuse me, sir?
  INSTEAD OF:
  Eat shit and die.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  So you weren't happy with it?
  INSTEAD OF:
  Kiss my ass.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
  INSTEAD OF:
  Fuck it, I'm on salary.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  I don't think you understand.
  INSTEAD OF:
  Shove it up your ass.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  I love a challenge.
  INSTEAD OF:
  This job sucks.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  You want me to take care of that?
  INSTEAD OF:
  Who the hell died and made you boss?
 
  TRY SAYING:
  I see.
  INSTEAD OF:
  Blow me.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  Yes, we really should discuss it.
  INSTEAD OF
  Another fucking meeting!
 
  TRY SAYING:
  I don't think this will be a problem.
  INSTEAD OF:
  I really don't give a shit.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  He's somewhat insensitive.
  INSTEAD OF:
  He's a prick.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  She's an aggressive go-getter.
  INSTEAD OF:
  She's a ball-busting bitch.
 
  TRY SAYING:
  I think you could use more training.
  INSTEAD OF:
  You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
 
  Thank You,
  Human Resources